For some context: I wrote both this poem and prayer on the same day. Probably took me all of 15 seconds to go from finishing the poem to beginning writing out the prayer. It’s almost a full year after my war with anxiety truly began, and it was probably about 5 or so months after some of the worst of it was healed. (some of the worst, not all of the worst)
penned August 27th, 2018
Created to be loved, and to love.
we lost our way, blinded
by our desire,
our desire for ourselves.
We sabotage our purpose.
A love so great calls
beckoning from somewhere beyond
Will I grab it
continue running, sabotaging my own way…
I so easily seek myself.
Even today I choose my desire over my conviction.
Fill me with yourself, that I might not get so complacent, or lazy, or apathetic.
Jesus I plead,
restore me to the JOY of Your salvation.
Renew my soul, refresh my spirit
in a season where You’ve kept the chaos and fear at bay,
Jesus, first I thank you. I don’t deserve Your protecting Hand. Second,
Jesus don’t let me waste this clarity of mind.
You call me to greatness. Let me stop avoiding it.
Let me seek you above all.
Fill me with your Spirit.
Let me rest in Your Grace,
in the freedom I have.
There were so many times when I could tangibly feel the Lord grant me times of peace and freedom from the chaos of anxiety. I feel like this poem, but even more so the prayer, captures some of my frustration at taking those windows of clarity for granted.
The poem I think is not really frustration at myself for growing stagnant in times of blessing (or rather times of a lack of chaos), but more so a subconscious reflection upon what He has called me to in general. That the relationship He wants us to have with Him is everything we have ever needed or desired, and when we seek ourselves instead, we sabotage the very chance we have at real living. And I found myself seeking myself through complacency during these times of peace.
The prayer I think is something I have to reflect on even more so.
I would feel so relieved that the storm abated, I would sit there and do nothing. I would not press even further into Him, but rather I would feel like I had pressed into Him throughout the storm and I done my due diligence and now had no need to continue. But how wrong I was, and how wrong I am every time I do this!
We must press into Him and abide deeply in Him even when there is nothing clawing at us, or crushing us. Perhaps especially then. For, in my experience, it has been in those times He has taught me the most, refined my view of Him, and brought me to a deeper appreciation for His Providence. It has been in these windows of clarity, in the eyes of the storm, that I can look back clearly at what has taken place and see His presence more clearly. If we do not take the chances He presents us to chase after Him during these (sometimes very short) seasons of our lives, I think we miss out on some of the growth He would otherwise have for us.