A kind of prayer. Thoughts are a little scrambled, but, well, that’s just me.
1 Timothy 6:11-12 tells me “… O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called…”.
Jesus you are plainly calling me to fight. To pursue. Yet I seem to fall quite short towards that end.
Jesus it is said that You complete me. You complete us. Yet if I’m being honest,
at times I feel quite incomplete.
During good stretches I almost forget the Fish. I forget (almost) the pervasive and, at times, destructive fear that plagues me. Yet it is there. A reminder of my incompleteness.
Funnily enough the fear of death, is a fear of the thing that transitions me to your presence, Lord, the very thing that truly and utterly completes me. It is ironic if nothing else. It is a fear that, logically, I should be free from. Yet…
Jesus. Again if I’m honest I don’t strive for You the way I should. Jesus you are the goal AND the motive, right? It seems like I lack both, or I lack the desire for both. or whichever, I don’t know.
Jesus I cry out for more faith. Restore my heart. My tired, afraid, feeble heart.
Jesus give me fight. Give me motivation and drive. Let me not be such a child, longing for comfort and laziness. Let me put to bed these childish things and let me be a man. Let me want to fight for your Kingdom.
You are trying to teach me, I know, that the yoke you tell us to take on, is not one of suffering but one of rest. Why do I get it so turned around? Instead of taking the yoke when I feel weak and destitute, I feel as though this yoke is what is so difficult to strive towards.
The yoke is not perfection, to strive for in vain, against our human nature and against our innate instinct to self-seek and turn from you, Lord.
The yoke is rest. The yoke is submitting to our position, that we find ourselves in already. And that is under your love, and grace. It is under the wing of an all powerful and all knowing God who wants nothing more than joy and love and completeness to our lives.
When things get tough, Jesus, don’t let me cave. Don’t let me wilt.
Let me be a man. Let me bite and claw myself closer to you, Jesus.
Let me scrimp, and scrape, with a smile upon my face, with a heart filled with joy at the hell that gets thrown my way,
because worldly comfort is not everything. Jesus, YOU are everything. You must be.
Mount me up on eagles wings, Jesus. Empower me with your Spirit. Let me look upon Your yoke with a new perspective and a clean heart, and refreshed soul.
In truth, nothing against me can stand, because it isn’t standing to begin with. The things formed against me have already been brought to heel at the cross. Let me walk in that freedom and in that power.
And Jesus, I take it for granted, but the part of me that does recognize, is eternally grateful for Your Grace. The Grace you extend to us as part of Yourself daily, hour by hour, minute by minute.