I know another blog. Just what you wanted right??
Well no fear: this is not going to be a blog. Everything else will be some noteworthy content and not just me talking.
I recognize this first post is quite lengthy. However, bear with me please. The poems and other such things I will be posting on here need some backdrop and some context, and that is what I will now try to offer to you.
On a serious note, I have endured the most trying and difficult year of my life since around last September. It is crazy to see how it has molded and shaped me, in good ways and in not-so-good ways. God has definitely done some work in my life through this.
I suffer from pretty bad anxiety. I won’t write a novel about my experiences, for a number of reasons. I will say, however, it isn’t your run of the mill anxiety. That does not mean I think it better or worse, or harder to deal with, than others.
[ There is a certain pride people find in suffering, which is amusing to me. In what would and should be a humbling experience, we can and do become prideful, saying, “Hey I endured more suffering than you.” It’s kind of a weird prideful, pity party. I want to avoid this as much as I can, which is why I will not say this is worse or better than others. It just is. ]
I fear death. This fear has done a number on my life. If I’ve talked to you at any length about it, you’ve probably heard some of what I’ve endured.
It started as a sort of pseudo heart attack. My heart was beating incredibly fast, incredibly hard, and incredibly OUT of rhythm. That was the scary part, the irregular beat, especially when paired with a hard and fast heartbeat. I was convinced that in the next 5 – 10 minutes, I would be dead. And that was far and away the scariest moment I had ever experienced (and perhaps nothing since has eclipsed it either).
Now I do not fear my eternal destination. I believe I have one, I believe with every fiber of my being that we ALL have one, and it has everything to do with our relationship, or lack thereof, with the Creator of our body and soul, the Creator of the edges of the universe and of the infinitesimal detail of everyday life on this ROUND Earth. ( lol I had to sorry flat earthers you are just wrong. we can discuss another time ) I know that we all deserve, and are headed for, death. Eternal separation from God. And I also know that when He created us, that wasn’t His original purpose for us. Seems like that would be a waste to me, I’m sure you’ll agree. But He loves us, every bit of us. He made us and there is nothing we could do or say or think or post or anything that would make Him stop loving us. NOTHING. He does not love the things we do, but that is not the same thing.
However the things we do have put us at odds with Him. He is Holy and Just and there must be punishment for our actions. That is why Jesus came to Earth. He took on the body of a man, and lived the life we live, enduring everything we have to its full measure, and never stumbled once. He took the death we deserved, the death He DID NOT deserve, so that the wage could be paid. The sacrifice was made so that we could be put into right standing with the Creator whom we’ve strayed from. We now get a chance to spend an eternity with Him, in glorious and loving community, with a new and healthy and unbroken body, with no sickness or disease or pain, no crying, no murder, death, calamity, nothing that makes this world suck. No sin. We are freed from the things that keep us glued down into depression or (in my case) anxiety, or keep us tethered to how popular we are or other such things. And if you think about that, seems pretty appealing right?
Well then why am I afraid of death?
I wish I could tell you. Because I have all the hope in the world and yet the transition out of this world is the scariest thing I could ever fathom. I found myself facing it (or so I thought) and I had nothing but fear and panic. This started a chain reaction.
Every time after that I had a weird headache, or my heart skipped a beat, or I felt weird in any way, I thought I might be about to die. I thought something was going wrong, whether it be a heart attack or an aneurysm or some weird sudden death scenario. My fear defied common rationale or logic. It began to take over. It went from being reactive to proactive. I started being on guard, subconsciously and otherwise, all the time. I found myself in a constant state of fear and i found myself often in a state of panic. This constant and gripping fear and panic became normal for me. The roots of anxiety had taken hold, until it started defining my day to day life.
The thing about it, was that it wasn’t just cutting in a fearful way. The constant state of panic and alert my mind found itself in fried circuits in my brain. One of the biggest byproducts of my anxiety has been ‘derealization’. It has left me feeling like reality wasn’t real, had me questioning everything. Here is a link if you wanna do some research. I recommend, it is quite fascinating, even though it sucks.
I could go on about other effects it has had on my brain/mental health, but I will spare you. I have already written far more than I intended.
So why does any of this matter? Good question.
I am making this website to start putting some poems I have written out to the public. God has given me some interesting insight to the world around us through this anxiety. It is hard to believe, but I consider it a blessing to have endured this, as it has allowed me to see through a different lens the ins and outs of this world, and I feel inclined to share some of that with y’all. It is a peek into my head, if you will, and might hopefully provide some light to what it is like to live in the fear and anxiety that I have lived in the last year of my life.
I will post the first one soon after this, and in it you will find out why I called this website Life Inside the Fish so stay tuned! [update it is posted now!]
I have certainly not at this moment written much of what I’ll post on this so who’s to say what all I will include. Prayers, poems, things of that nature. Some short, some longer. I’ll probably talk about my tattoo at some point, because it is related. Idk we will figure this out as we guy, how about that?
Just know that you won’t have to read 1100+ words on here again!
If you read all this, I certainly appreciate it! And I hope you will enjoy reading some of the more creative and less lecture-like content I put up here in the future.
Also, with this, and with anything else I put out here, feel free to comment and share this with others!